Home-grown cucumbers — check.
Pickling salt — check.
Vinegar — check.
Water — check.
Dill — check.
Theoretically, these things tossed in a crock and left to sit would result in tasty pickles. In reality, one or all of the following will happen:
1. Cucumbers will transform into self-contained sacks of mush.
2. Cucumbers will burst, dribbling forth said mush.
3. Cucumbers will retain their form and look impressively like pickles, but will taste as if thoroughly marinated in seawater.*
I’m sure there’s a lesson here, but I don’t want it. I only want pickles, and there are none of those around here.
*Sea Cucumber pun not intended.